Life Truths

As long as you try not to look like a sweaty raving lunatic thundering across the park like a mule weighed down by coats, camera, bags and toys, your kids will always be able to run faster than you.

If you need to take a photo of yourself for whatever reason do it late at night in the bathroom, because when its late and nobody is around to prove it, you look awesome.

Kids think that stomping around the house saying "tip toe, tip toe" in a not at all whispery stage whisper is the same thing as being quiet.

Kids don't "get" the same Dreamworks and Pixar jokes that you do. Don't laugh or you'll spend the rest of the movie trying to sidestep an explanation.

Crumbs breed. I vacuum this house every single day and every single morning it looks like a bag of Tayto Cheese and Onion and a particularly crusty baguette have had an orgy in the middle of the living room floor.

You will always lose more arguments than you win. If you win more than you lose, chances are you've been arguing with yourself.

Women will always have the last word in any argument. Anything said after a woman has had the last word is just the start of an entirely different argument.

Never get into an argument with another parent over kids. Both of you will wind up feeling like complete prats at the school pick up long after your kids have beaten the crap out of each and declared themselves Bestest Friends again.

Kids are like carrier pigeons. Never bitch about another adult within each shot of your kids.

Once you have kids, very few of your "Life Truths" have anything to do with anything but kids.