I feel absolutely terrible

I have had a thumping headache all day long. It feels a little bit like the flu, but only from the neck up. I don't have any muscle pains or a fever or anything like that, just the blinding headache and my sinuses are killing me.

But that isn't why I feel awful.

I mentioned a while back that I was trying to encourage Chloe to play by herself a bit more and to try and be a little more independent in her play rather than her developing a need for me to lead the way for her. It's been going brilliantly and she savours the hour or two (even more, sometimes I can't get her to come spend time with me) playing in her room, or in the garden. We painted some big letters and numbers on the walls in her room (we'll be redecorating her room soon so I wasn't bothered about painting on the walls) and she enjoys spending a bit of time copying them onto her blackboard.

Today she was playing happily in her room and I was doing a few bits and pieces downstairs when I heard an almighty crash. I think I managed to get from the kitchen, up the stairs to into her bedroom in about four strides, it was that loud.

I opened her bedroom door to be met with the sight of the chest of drawers in her bedroom toppled forward, and kind of resting on the bottom drawer so it hadn't actually fallen the whole way over. All three drawers were fully out and clothes were all were over the floor. Chloe was pressed against the farthest wall in her room with both hands clamped over the crown of her head and she was in complete hysterics. Do you that really deep almost painful sounding crying a child does when they're really hurt.

I panicked, assuming the worst and that the chest had fallen over and cracked her on the head and that she might be bleeding or worse.

I sat down with her and checked her over, trying to calm her down. After I'd established that she wasn't bleeding or cut in any way and I'd managed to calm her to some extent I checked her head properly and there didn't even appear to be any bumps or signs that the chest had hit her.

I'm assuming that she felt the chest move above her and managed to get far enough out of the way as it fell, that either it didn't hit her but she felt the top drawer come to rest above her head or it grazed her. Either way it obviously scared the wits out of her.

I felt really sick at the time. Does that happen to anyone else, when your child cries like that, you feel really nauseous?

Anyway, that isn't the reason I feel terrible.

Once she'd calmed down a little more I asked her what had happened and she told me that she had opened the three drawers looking for something and the chest just fell over on top of her.

A little bit of background, the chest of drawers in Chloe's room is a solid piece of furniture. When it came time that I knew she needed one for her room, I bought the heaviest most solid one I could find rather than a flatpack version because I knew chances were at some stage she may try to climb it. All the weight in this thing is in the chest itself and not in the drawers and I've had all three of the drawers open many times and there has never been any risk of it falling over, its just too heavy.

I feel absolutely terrible today because the next thing I said to her was "are you sure that's what happened?" and every child knows that is mummy code for "are you lying to me?"

She burst into tears again and remained adamant that she had pulled the drawers out and it just fell over, but still I wasn't entirely convinced. I still thought that she had pulled the drawers out and then tried to climb up them or pulled really hard on them or something to make it over balance.

I finally half heartedly accepted her version of events and set about getting the chest of drawers back up off the floor and all the clothes put away.

I lifted the thing back up again and folded all the clothes back into the right drawers. The drawers were still open as sitting on the floor I folded a little blanket she still has, placed it in the bottom drawer and still in the same position pushed the bottom drawer closed.

And I felt the whole thing move....

But I'm not as fast as Chloe....

And I caught that top drawer square on the head.

Needless to say the damn chest is now fixed to the joist in the wall with two 'L' brackets so it isn't going anywhere again.

So now I feel absolutely terrible, which I completely deserve.

And no amount of painkillers will shift this headache. And I deserve that too!

Fun in the Sun

We're just not cut out for this kind of weather in Northern Ireland. Don't get me wrong we appreciate it and are very grateful (if anyone in particular is listening) we're just not used to it. Especially when it sneaks up on us. The rain just stopped one day last week and the temperature rocketed and hasn't dropped since.

The poor child is suffering from a bit of heat exhaustion. She spent Saturday playing in the above ground swimming pool my mum mistook for a paddling pool. She woke at my mum's house on Sunday, stripped off her jammies and ran nekid out to the pool again. My mum just about managed to wiggle her into a swimming costume and force feed her some breakfast.

for some dinner. I know, we actually ate out for a change, but I just couldn't face the thought of cooking. I've cooked outside all week because its enough of a headache to cool the house at the minute without adding any more heat to it. So fish on the We then had a gorgeous afternoon at Knockinelder and Quintin Bay, before heading to Kircubbinbarby, salad and bread has been the order of the day, every single day.

Monday we played in the garden and took a few short walks and on Tuesday we spent over four hours at the duck pond and then on the way home Toots bought herself a petite stitch junior sewing machine in a charity shop so that she "could be like mummy". Sometimes she's almost too cute.

I did have photos planned for this post but my micro drive has gone walkabout. I will deliver as soon as it turns up though.

Wednesday was another day for running around. We had to go food shopping in the morning and with a very active four year and the obvious lack of a driving license it turned to be a nightmare, but we managed.

Yesterday we vegged in front of the TV in the morning and replanted all of the seeds destroyed by frost earlier in the year in the afternoon. Toots even planted up a little kit garden my mum bought her a couple of months ago. Its the type with a few packets of seeds, a little seeds tray and cover and a rock hard block of "magic" compost which needs to be reconstituted with water. She had a lot of fun with it to. The whole kit only cost £2.99 and had a pirate theme so inside the box, along with the necessary bits and pieces were a pirates eye patch, three flags to mark the position of her seeds and a treasure map so that she could mark an X at the spot she planted each seed. Even the seeds are themed. She planted monster sea gourd, some money plants and sea holly. I really hope something grows because she checked on it countless times yesterday and she's been outside twice this morning already to see if anything has grown yet.

She's also learnt how to open the side gate which is amazing because even I have trouble opening that gate at times. It weighs a ton and the lock is really stiff. It does mean that there has been no shortage of chase scenes around here lately because the side gate leads to the driveway which leads to a pretty busy street.

Guess what I'm doing today?

Yep, adding another lock to the bloody gate. I'm all for independence, but I'll be damned if she's going to play in the street like some little four year old urchin. When she's older fair enough, but not yet.

My house, my rules kid!

So we're a bit tired and worn out round here. I can already feel the sun burning the back of my neck through the window and it's not even 9.00am yet.

Its going to be another long, hot day.

Independence

I left home at 16, which probably seems quite young to a lot of people but bear in mind that was 12 whole years ago and things were a fair bit different back then, besides at 16 I just felt it was the right time to fly the coop so to speak.

I really enjoyed my time living alone. I met the husband shortly after that and it wasn't too long before we moved in together, but I really do remember my days living alone fondly.

When I think back on my life I realise that I left home so early because of my mum.

Just to clarify my mum wasn't overbearing or abusive, she didn't ignore me or my needs. In fact, she was a fantastic mum and I've never once wished that she had done anything differently when she raised us and while I did leave because of her (or maybe because of how she raised me) I certainly never left to get away from her.

My dad left when I was quite young (old enough to remember him, but still at 3, I was still young) and although he left my mum as a young single mother (20 at the time with two kids) she was by no means alone. We come from a large family and she had a great support structure during that time.

However, my brother and I were raised a little differently to other kids our age.

A bit of history might help here. My mum's mother passed away when my mum was 12 and the oldest of 6 kids, two sisters and three brothers. My uncle, Samuel, was only 3 at the time and the baby of the family. When my grandmother died, my grandfather was left to raise six kids on his own. Now we're talking over 30 years now and a lot of dads back then were not as "hands on" as dads are today, so he was pretty much chucked in at the deep end of parenthood. All of a sudden he wasn't simply the bread winner. At the time he took some leave from work to get things sorted out and quickly realised that they would never survive if he were to come out of work. The options given to him were to separate his children up amongst any willing family, go back to work and pay for their needs or the children would be taken from him for an undetermined period of time until he was able to sort out an alternative.

He refused both options, convinced that he could come up with a way to return to work and arrange care for his children. At first he tried organising for different family members and friends to look after the kids while he was at work, but after a short period of time my mum took on the role of House Mother at the age of 12. Because of the way my mum was raised by her mother she now had the idea that women took care of the men, so the three girls basically took care of the entire house, while the boys got something of an easy ride.

She doesn't remember those days fondly, but when it came to raising my brother and I the same values crept in.

I was brought up to be extremely independent, almost to a fault, whereas my brother was lifted and laid. Again to clarify, my mum openly admits that she raised us differently, partly because of the boy/girl thing and partly because I was older.

I then found myself in the same position as mum had all those year ago, except I was 8 at the time. My brother was only five and my mum had to go to work, it was as simple as that, so I was left as House Mother.

I would get myself and my brother up, dressed, fed and off to school every morning. I was a true latchkey kid, by that I mean I wen to school wearing a necklace with my front door key hanging from it and arrived home everyday with my brother to an empty house, my mum wouldn't arrive home for another two or three hours after us. We would eat, I would do my own homework and check my brother's before making dinner. In my brother's second year of primary school he joined the after school football club which left me with about 90 minutes to myself before collecting him from school and while most kids at the age of 9 would have relished the time to just do nothing instead I went and looked for a job. I managed to get a paper round close to the primary school and once I was paid I started to pay my brother pocket money to do small jobs around the house like the dishes or taking rubbish out to the bin.

Now before anyone starts to think "oh poor Leanne", I don't' remember those days being hard. I got a job of my own free will without any help or encouragement from anyone, in fact it was a month or so before I even told my mum I had it. I was always brought up to believe that helping family should always come first so everything I did just came naturally to me. I never wanted or expected any praise or thanks for doing it. It was simply something that needed to be done by someone in order for our little family to survive and it might as well have been me.

I did grow up very independent though. I insist of doing almost everything myself. Its the reason I do a lot of the repairs around the home, all the outdoor work in the gardens along with all the housework. It isn't a matter of survival anymore, but these things all still need to be done by someone and it might as well be me.

I know in my own heart (although I almost never think about it) that if for some reason Toots and I were left alone, we'd be just fine. We'd manage on our own.

Already I'm noticing these traits in Toots. She's fiercely independent for a 4 year old. Each morning she makes her own breakfast, chooses her own clothes and 9 time out of ten she keeps an ear out for her dad in the morning and makes breakfast for him too. I watch her every day, walking alone a few steps ahead of me, she refuses to hold hands, "only babies hold hands", her words not mine.

Because of the way I was raised I am very proud of her independence. I want to embrace and even encourage it.

I want her to believe that her own two feet can be the steadiest place she will ever stand and know without being told that every step she takes in life will be the right one for her as long as its her choice and she takes the step herself rather than merely following along with someone else. She can only be led astray if she allows herself to be led.

However, the husband sees my independence and to some extent her independence a little differently. He thinks that too much independence can be a bad thing and that it could effectively make the people in her life feel like she doesn't trust them enough to allow them to help or guide her.

I've tried to explain that ideally what I would like is for Toots to grow up strong and independent, to always know her own mind and feel secure enough with herself to back away from or argue down a bad idea. There's nothing wrong with being a little reliant on others occasionally and I don't think she needs to spend her life alone to be independent. I certainly don't.

So what do you think? Can too much independence be a bad thing?