An open letter to the person who stole my handbag

Dear Dum Dum,

I would like to personally and whole heartedly congratulate you on the successful pilferage of my handbag.

Your mother must be incredibly proud of the well rounded human being she managed to raise. However, I'd like to take the time to point out something which your mother clearly failed to pass on. It is my sincerest hope that this insight might help guide you in your chosen career of "criminal mastermind".

When a woman willingly leaves her bag lying on a park bench whilst blissfully pushing her child on the swings chances are there is little in the bag which she is concerned about losing.

The cash which you so desperately wanted was safely tucked into my back pocket and my front door keys nestled in my coat pocket.

I do hope that you are pleased with your haul of a Dora the Explorer juice bottle, a half eaten apple, a packet of wet wipes, two flowery hair clips and a small but necessary supply of tampons.

These items will no doubt bring in gargantuan sums of money on the black market (ebay).

Finally, if your actual target was the handbag itself, I'll quickly point out that the bag was handmade by me. Should anyone admire the beautiful craftsmanship of said bag I would be very grateful if you would kindly direct them to my Folksy shop where they will be spoilt for choice.

You may also supply them with the promotional code "NEENAW". Any customer quoting this one time only promotional code will receive free postage and packaging. Their order will be dispatched immediately and hand delivered by a member of the local constabulary.

Kindest regards.

Leanne (Meh!) Woods.